First day of chemo

It’s my first chemo day today. It’s been a strange feeling of trepidation mixed with some relief it’s starting. I’ve been wracking my brain as to how to describe how I feel. I can’t get the thought out of my head that it must be similar to the first time someone takes LSD or a similar recreational drug not knowing how they will react. But then it can’t be like that surely because why would people put themselves through that!

It’s a late start for me with chemo today, 3.30pm. I get to start on plaxitaxel which I’ve convinced myself can’t be too bad as I have it every week. With chemotherapy your blood has to repair in between and your neutrophil counts have to be strong enough for the next lot. In 12 weeks time I must be having the bad boys as you only have those every two weeks but I’ll be near the end then and on countdown!. As a mum (I’m hoping mums out there will agree) 3.30pm is not really the ideal time so I’ve got to summon up the courage to ask them for an earlier slot. Wondering if they might whisper about me ‘Does she realise she’s on life saving treatment and she’s more worried about getting home to the kids!’ 

The waiting room experience is excruciating before your first chemo, you get to see the effects of chemo laid bare before you. Not that I haven’t been here many times before with Sam and Becky but I guess we got to keep each other distracted. A covid waiting room is a very lonely one. 

So here we are, I’m watching a toxic drug dripping into me, wondering how the next 24 hours will pan out. To be fair it’s much easier than it was watching chemo go into Sam. As a parent there’s no fear worse than seeing your child on a toxic drip. Sam was amazing though, so brave and resilient through it all and he loved the attention from everybody. He’s my inspiration for my chemo, my pull yourself together, if a 4 year old can do this, you can!

Feeling vulnerable though is making me feel childlike. I need the comfort you get from the lovely nurses on the ward. And they are lovely, amazing individuals who don’t seem tired of the constant need to reassure me. Thank god because first time round it’s scary, really scary.There’s old hands in here, a lady on her 149th treatment who’s main concern is that she hasn’t done any Xmas shopping. I’ll be like that next time I’m telling myself repeatedly! 

I’m now trying to turn my thoughts to the positives of chemo. I’ve got two so far.... first I won’t have to shave my legs and underarms as I am going to lose all my body hair and second I’ll save a fortune on hair cuts. Anymore advantages let me know, they are scarce! Oh hang on I might get a boob job at the end too!!!

Ive just heard the bell ring for someone finishing their journey which brought tears to my eyes. A perfectly timed reminder this will all soon be over and a long distant memory!

The chemo bag is nearly finished.  Time to sign off before the flurry of activity. I’ll be back to let you know all about how the next few days go and of course next up is the big decision round hair loss and how to tackle it! I’ve been a big brave girl today and I’m proud of myself. I’ll celebrate with a green tea! 

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