On reflection

How things have changed. There are not many people who can say they leave  the house and as well as checking they’ve got their purse and keys check they have their boob in too! I’ve had to turn the car around once already and go back to retrieve it, it makes me realise how much I’ve already got used to my new body. 

Chemo basically takes every part of your body and batters it as hard as it can. As well as what you would expect, the nausea, the hair loss and the tiredness there’s so much more.Your nose runs constantly because you have no nose hair, your eyes water because they have no eyelashes to protect them, your nails start to fall out because they can’t grow properly, you catch anything and everything and have to go into hospital with any temp over 37.5, you ache, you lose feeling in your hands and feet. And for those of us who are women it sends us into early menopause which means I’m aging overnight, having hot sweats and yes I am bloody grumpy!

Then the op and the more obvious side effects from having a boob removed and the other reduced. And finally the radiotherapy which gives you all the effects of applying no sun cream in blistering heat but without the cocktail in your hand and the sea lapping at your toes.

But it’s not the physical part that’s the worst, it’s the mental anguish. It’s so important to try and keep your head together. The hardest part is that any sign of a problem is in your head the cancer getting worse. A cough becomes lung cancer or covid, backache becomes bone cancer, tummy ache becomes, yes you’ve guessed it and so on! I’ve been here many times before in terms of having to pick myself up, dust myself off and go again. It doesn’t get any easier but I do take up any help offered including counselling which I had after Dads diagnosis, Sams cancer journey and more recently when Becky died. Will I do it this time, yes probably but I’ll see how I bounce back first.

Family and friends are amazing. I’ve been so blessed by the support I have received despite lockdown. The check ins with me, the offers of help, the deliveries and most importantly the love. Thank you to all those who have shown me so much care and love. Rufus has waited on me hand and foot and I could not have done this journey without his unwavering dedication to me and my Mum and David have been amazing throughout this and have helped me so much, taking me to appointments and looking after me whilst Rufus has been at work. 

My kids are two of the strongest individuals I will ever meet, they get it from their grandma! Most kids would not dream of what they have been through in their entire life, yet they have shown immense resilience yet again! I am so proud.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and I’ve stepped back and actually realised how much shit myself and my family have been through. Everyone has always told me this but I think the last couple of months the realisation kicked in. The hardest bit most definitely has been not having Becks with me through this journey. She was my strength, my partner in crime and she knew me so well, we shared everything. Most of you reading this will already know that my son had kidney cancer when he was 4, my Dad had early onset dementia and I lost him far too early mentally and physically, I lost my sister just over a year ago to non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and as well as dealing with the grief had some horrible accusations levied at me. And on top of all that many more life changing events that would rock most people but don’t even touch my radar anymore. If I’m honest we’re due a break as a family and I am determined it is our time now. 

So it’s going to be a lot of F**k it, a lot of trips to Italy, family time, frolics with my besties and maybe just maybe I’ll write that book! But for now I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you that have supported me on this journey, I couldn’t have done it without you xx