You’re looking well

Everyone says I look so well, so what’s the reality?

Unless you’re in the house and family it’s actually quite hard to comprehend the daily struggles of movement that I have and the breathing issues. But each week there are different hurdles to overcome. Below is my treatment this week and all the tablets I have to take to keep me pain free and alive. These change every week so chemotherapy on top of that from Friday. I do have choices not to take all this but I want to maximise the time I have!

5 x radiotherapy on hip

7 x  Lanzaprazole

7 x Magnsium citrate 

7 x saviour D3

7 x Hylo forte (intensive eye lubricant)

14 x Adcal tablets

14 x Fragmin blood thinning injections 

1150mg Pregabalin ( nerve pain management)

Steroids 56mg

Haemmorhoid cream

Phosphate Sandoz for liver 

For me sharing this information with the kids is so important and them knowing exactly where I am up to and they are pleased I do. 

We take each breath for granted until it becomes difficult to do so. It’s not possible to have that feeling until you are in the situation and very hard to try and describe. It is an extreme fear and one you can’t control and because of this it is one you have to give into and accept. Every previous fear is just so minor. All those anxieties through life vanish. You become invincible with super human powers. Imagine all your fears just gone. I have no fear of dying, being shot, getting run over, heart attack etc Why would I when it’s imminent, it’s just a case of when. I lie in scanners nailed down by my head to the machinery and think what’s the worst that can happen? The only thoughts I have are for my kids. How long can I beat this for? What options do I have left? What trials can I do? What fun can we have? How can I leave them with everything they need, emotionally and financially? How will they remember me?

Naturally as Miss Organiser I am making sure that everything will be as simple as possible for them, from the funeral arrangements to the will, sentimental items etc 

Today reality kicked in a bit more, we are now aware that I have little time left, but we are well prepared. We are not sure whether we are talking days or weeks, but as a family we are ready to take this on. We have taken the decision to impose a DNR and I will be moving to Hospice Care in the near future. The kids have helped with all these decisions making me feel very supported.