Pick yourself up.... Dust yourself off.... And go again

After 12 weeks of my first chemo drug I was so relieved to be moving on, despite the fact I’d been told the next two drugs were harsher. Taxol had finally caught up with me. After round 10 I had started having numbness and tingling in my arms and legs and aches and pains across my back and down my arms. Round 11 was worse and round 12 was a little bit frightening.  The whole of my back was numb and my face. Much like when you go to the dentist and they give you an injection to numb the area and it numbs your face. My eye also started twitching so I was winking at everyone (not many takers though for someone with no hair). I had to be careful in the bath as I’d lost sensation to heat so I gave those up for a few days ...... Pooh! It’s hard enough to bath with one arm hanging out all the time (I can’t get my picc line wet) without worrying if you’re scalding yourself too. Whilst I was nervous about starting my epirubicin and cyclophosphamide this week, I just wanted to get going and ...

In May I need to have a mastectomy. The margins when they did the lumpectomy weren’t good enough and this is the recommended next step after I have had chemo. Genealogy is yet to come back so a double mastectomy is currently not on the cards. So what choices do I have?  Reconstruction is available. I can take flesh from another part of my body and use that, the 4 areas being my back, my thigh or two different areas of my stomach. Great I guess if you want a tummy tuck but chemo hasn’t left me much spare.  I’m not sure making a boob out of another part of my body appeals, I don’t see the point of wrecking another part of my body. Plus I’ve spoken to someone who has and they now have pain problems in their leg where they had it taken from. I’m all for minimising pain and further issues after all this. The second reconstruction option is a fillet which equally doesn’t appeal but I can’t have this anyway. Becky always said to me do not put anything into your body for the purpose o...

Who knew a covid jab could be so exciting?! Whilst being in one of the top groups for a covid jab I would argue I’m also in one of the top groups needing a hug too. They definitely seem to go hand in hand. I’ll be honest covid has made this whole experience extra hard. We all know that when you are going through something life changing you need the extra support and love of your family and covid strips this away. Not being able to see my mum and have a mum hug, which as we know are very important hugs, has been extremely hard. Not least because of this latest hurdle but also because Mum and I are also still struggling with losing Becks. And then there’s the really hard realisation that I can’t even call Becks and I can honestly say in the last month the grief has been the worst yet. Becks was my rock, my partner in crime, the person i shared everything with, even thoughts that were irrational, scary or shouldn’t be spoken.  So with all this turmoil going on I guess the reality is I...